José Fernández-Aguado is a Catalan psychologist psychotherapist in private practice since 2002 at Penhuán Psicología y Formación (pehuenpsicologia.com). He specializes in Psychological Abuse in groups, including family and cultic abuse. He was founder member of the clinical hypnosis work group of the Colegio Oficial de Psicología de Cataluña (Catalonia) and of the Asociación Psicólogos y Psicólogas de la Anoia, of which he was first president. He also holds a position in Conflict Resolution with the Justice Department of Catalonia. He is an active member of the International Cultic Studies Association and has presented at their conferences.
In this book José seeks to move beyond academia and reach a wider popular audience, broaching the subject of happy and healthy relationships at all levels, from couples to groups of all kinds and sizes. The key to respectful, authentic, and free relationships according to the author is empathy. The book attempts to present to the general public, in the most accessible terms, the real meaning of this hackneyed and over-used term. He patiently breaks it down with a variety of interesting methods: classical psychology, historical figures, anecdotes from real life and practice, popular culture, case studies, diagrams, and a variety of pedagogical resources. What is unusual and refreshing is that José does not refrain from sharing his own personal experiences as a spouse, father, and colleague.
The author is not content with a simple definition of real empathy. Building on Piaget’s concept of intellectual development and object permanence—the essence of something does not depend on my perception, and there can be different perceptions of reality, yours and mine and others’—he goes on to explain how empathy depends on a better understanding of who we are. Moreover, this understanding depends on how we interact with others, in such a way that we cannot get to know ourselves without the help of others. Listening to the other and expressing ourselves are the instruments which help us reach mutual understanding.
The outstanding value of this book is the way the author begins by shattering our trite concept of empathy as a simple or spontaneous emotion. He gradually leads the reader, general or specialist, into its rich complex psychological reality: Empathy is intimately attached to the capacity to listen to the other and express oneself to the other. It is not so much an emotional state but rather an attitude of openness, of conscious and respectful giving and receiving—An arduous but rewarding effort which echoes Abraham Maslow’s “fully functioning person.”
Summarizing, the book explains this subtle, seemingly paradoxical, system of getting to know the other by knowing ourselves, and how both elements are inseparable and constitute the essence of empathy. Individuals, couples, parents and children, work colleagues and therapists can learn a lot from Respectful, Authentic and Free Relationships.
